Homeschooling an Introvert

If you’re a parent of an introvert, you may be concerned that homeschooling your introvert will render your child incapable of engaging in conversation or life outside of the four walls of your home. You may think that they will NEVER meet any new people, broaden their horizons, or stretch outside their comfort zones.

I’m an introvert, and, surprisingly, this article was harder to write than “Homeschooling an Extrovert.” I fought the urge to type, “Leave the introverts alone. Let us be.” Ha!

But that wouldn’t help you, so let’s get real and talk:

As an introvert myself and the mother of one bona fide introverted daughter and a son who is a borderline introvert, I’m here to console and quiet your worst fears.

Define “introvert”

A Psychology Today article defines introversion as “a basic personality style characterized by a preference for subdued and solitary experiences.”

People and social situations tend to drain an introvert’s energy, while extroverts are the opposite. Extroverts not only enjoy social situations, the more the merrier.

Introverts are sometimes wrongly labeled as being unable to navigate social scenarios. This is not true; introverts would just usually rather not. And when they do, they require a ‘downtime’ to recuperate.

A common misconception about introverts is that they are ‘shy’ or ‘socially awkward.’ Introversion is neither of these things. Introverts or extroverts can be shy, which indicates nervousness in a social situation.

Social anxiety is a psychological disorder that is far more serious than just being nervous about giving a speech or meeting new people or being uncomfortable in a new situation. Fortunately, it is treatable and people suffering from it should seek help.

Introversion is not a flaw, a disorder, or something to be fixed. It is not a matter of helping someone “come out of their shell.” It’s a personality trait, plain and simple.

Decompression vs. Depression

To picture an introvert as a sad faced, misunderstood youngster hiding behind a giant hoodie, never wanting to come out of a room with light blocking curtains, is a wrong impression.

Introverts need to decompress from the energy of people. It doesn’t mean we never want to leave the house. (O.K., sometimes I don’t want to leave the house. haha)

It doesn’t mean we don’t like people, or HATE having to interact with people. I actually really genuinely like people, and enjoy talking to people.

It’s not that we absolutely abhor new activities, places, or faces. Sometimes it does mean that we aren’t as enthused about these things as our extroverted counterparts, or it may take an introvert a little longer to warm up. It does mean that it TAKES some energy for us to deal with lots of new things, but it doesn’t mean that we don’t want to expend that energy. (In comparison, extroverts seem to FEED off of this same energy.)

It doesn’t mean that we don’t talk much. It may mean that we don’t talk as much until we get to know you.

I use the term ‘decompression’ because it makes sense in my head. Introverts need time to reboot. We do that by spending time alone. It may or may not be quietly. We might listen to music, watch TV, read a book, or just BE. But the best way to reboot is without conversation, without stress, without pressure to converse or entertain…just retreating in our heads a little and relaxing.

In this way, we reset our social meters to zero so we can go out and do it all over again. That’s how we handle all the people-y places.

For extroverts, the people-y places bring them joy and energy – being alone is not their easiest place to be.

Depression is sadness and hopelessness and darkness.

Decompression for an introvert is not related to depression at all. As a matter of fact, alone time is a very ‘happy place’ for introverts.

If your child is showing signs of depression, please talk to your pediatrician, your pastor, a trusted friend – until someone listens and your child gets the help that he or she needs.

Activities & Introverts

In the article about homeschooling an extrovert, I listed several diverse socialization opportunities. Your introvert may enjoy group activities, especially if the activity is of special interest or includes friends.

Our extroverted daughter participated in many sports clinics and on teams when she was young. The sports themselves were not her passion. She craved the crowds of people, team comradery, new faces and experiences, and the energy that goes along with all that.

Our youngest daughter was the exact opposite, but one sport got her attention: tennis. The tennis program was not competitive, and instead was set up like a clinic to teach skills to youth. As an added bonus, perfect attendance was rewarded with a brand new tennis racket.

The first day we arrived, the tennis courts were swarming with kids, parents, and coaches. Madison was not impressed and ready to quit before she even started. Aspen, on the other hand, was beaming. She was in her element.

On many occasions in the past, I had granted Madison a ‘pass,’ often letting her off the hook rather than pushing her into an uncomfortable social situation. Not this time. I knew she really wanted to do this, but was momentarily overwhelmed by the crowd. Once the workshops started, order would resume and she would be in a smaller group of kids her age and a few coaches. I also knew she would regret not participating, and she would gain a lot of confidence and skill in a sport in which she had expressed interest.

On that day, I chose to push her out of her comfort zone. I don’t regret it.

So, for as  much as I caution you to respect an introvert’s preference for solitude, I also encourage you to use what you know about your child, read the specific situations, and make hard decisions about when to push them a little and when to back off.

It’s not always easy to discern, and as parents we don’t always get it right. However, as long as we aren’t always pushing or always retreating, we should be able to find a healthy balance somewhere in the middle.

Consider the things your child is interested in to encourage them to become involved with other people. For example, if your child is a member of an organization that is sponsoring a fundraiser, you could accompany your child to places to ask for sales. You could give some talking points beforehand, maybe help your child think of some ways to approach people, what they could say, and possible responses to various scenarios. It’s also a great time to discuss how to gracefully receive a “no” and how to deal with rude or irritated people. What a great opportunity to teach a child how to remain composed, give grace, and learn that people’s reactions are a reflection of their attitude and should not have any power over our emotions.

An entrepreneurial spirit may set up a lemonade stand or care for a small flock of chickens and sell the eggs. Business ventures are a great way to build confidence without pressure. Your child will be more at ease discussing how they made the lemonade or how they care for their chickens, or any subject in which they are invested and interested.

Think Smaller Scale Activities

For extroverts, I encouraged any and all interaction with people, large or small crowds, age segregated or community extravaganzas. For an introvert, consider a smaller scale to encourage your child to participate in activities or find an interest.

For example, instead of competition barrel racing classes at a coliseum for a child intrigued by horses, look for horseback riding lessons at a smaller stable.

Madison had a wonderful piano teacher who encouraged but did not require participation in recitals. Madison was older at that time and was truly interested in the piano and wanted to learn some things for herself. I felt that was more important to pursue and encourage than the pressure of performing, which was not our goal.

Your local library is a quiet location with low key group activities that you might want to look into.

It’s OK for an Introvert to Have a Small Circle of Friends

Don’t stress too much if your child doesn’t want to be surrounded by a HERD of friends. It’s O.K. to have only a few –or one—close friend and not desire the crowds.

Instead of encouraging your child to attend all the social events, every birthday party, and to have lots of friends over, encourage them to spend time with the people or person they most enjoy spending time with. Let them play with their best friend in the yard all summer long. The memories they make will be sweet and priceless, unlike the memories of repeated forced trips to a public swimming pool crowded with people.

Encourage Compassion and Observation

Introverts are often deep thinkers and compassionate, but they may tend to retreat into their own world. Do talk to them about the people around them, their friends, siblings, cousins, classmates…encourage them to be kind and to converse. More than likely, your introvert will prefer the company of only a few people. Don’t feel the need to force friendships, but do help your introvert to see and appreciate the people in their lives.

Most of all, model friendly behavior and conversation. You don’t have to include introverts in all your conversations for them to learn valuable social skills. They will take in a lot more than extroverts, usually, by watching and listening to your interactions with the people around you – family members, friends, bank tellers, grocery store clerks, the lonely, elderly lady standing in the produce aisle….model conversation and social cues without requiring your introvert to add to the conversation.

Introverts are generally very observant, even when you don’t think so.

It just isn’t so that if you don’t ‘get your introvert out there, they’ll never meet people.’

Somehow, my children managed to meet people and make friends all the time. And they continue to do so.

The borderline introverted son I mentioned earlier met his wife in a foreign country on a mission trip when he had just turned 19 years old! I never dreamed this child would ever be traveling to a Central American country, much less meet the woman that he would marry there. (P.S. They celebrated their third wedding anniversary a few months ago.)

If you nurture and build your child’s confidence in their ability to handle social situations, rather than pushing too quickly too soon or criticizing their natural tendency to prefer interactions with individuals over groups, you will be setting them up for success.

Homeschooling -& Parenting- an Introvert

Introverts are not socially awkward hermits that need help in order to function or manage in day to day life. So, relax, it’s just a personality trait, not a defect. Neither is it a shortcoming that you have to compensate for somehow or your child will be doomed for failure in life.

Introverts are just people that expend a lot of energy in dealing with other people. It doesn’t mean we don’t like people or never want to socialize, it just means we often like to do so on our terms. Life doesn’t always allow that, and we learn how to cope with crowds everywhere we go because it’s necessary, not always because we love it.

Acknowledging and appreciating this tendency in your child will help you to understand why some situations seem overwhelming to them.

On that note, I’m not suggesting this is a crutch or should be used as one. In my attempt to garner empathy for my fellow introverts, I don’t want to leave the impression that children should be labeled and that label used as an ‘excuse’ for missing the birthday party or pool party or not going out for the basketball team.

Introverts are not bound for a life on a desert island. We can and should interact with people all the time. We just might need a few minutes downtime afterwards by ourselves to relax and reset. It’s important to allow this time – in other introverts and in ourselves.

Less Worry, More Confidence

At the end of the day – and at the end of your homeschooling journey – you will see that the things you worried most about, were not worth the time and energy they stole from you. Socializing your introvert, or your extrovert for that matter, will be on that list of things.

Kids nurtured, encouraged, loved, disciplined, and cherished will grow up to be just fine. Whether they have one best friend or a dozen, whether they join every extracurricular activity they can or stay home in the evenings with a good book, they will grow up to the best version of themselves because you’re pouring all the right things into them.

You might also enjoy:

• Homeschooling an Extrovert, for suggestions to keep your extrovert busily interacting with people, and encouragement to help them deal with time alone as well.
• Moms, you’re so much more important and able to do this homeschooling thing than you know! Here’s a short article to reassure the moms: you are enough.
• And about your kid that really would like to raise chickens and sell the eggs…three docile, fabulous, backyard breeds of chickens coming right up!